I can't begin to remember the nightmare that began that early morning when I received that call that Papi wasn't waking up from his sleep.
And then to see him through the security cam laying down asleep, as he always slept. Nothing looked unusual. My heart racing as it is now even recounting it. ....
I miss him.
We all miss him.
I'm going to try and get to the cemetery and sit a while, take a short video, pray and meditate.
3 Years ago at the cemetery I read Psalm 8:
O LORD our Lord, how excellent is thy name in all the earth! who hast set thy glory above the heavens.Out of the mouth of babes and sucklings hast thou ordained strength because of thine enemies, that thou mightest still the enemy and the avenger.When I consider thy heavens, the work of thy fingers, the moon and the stars, which thou hast ordained;What is man, that thou art mindful of him? and the son of man, that thou visitest him?For thou hast made him a little lower than the angels, and hast crowned him with glory and honour.Thou madest him to have dominion over the works of thy hands; thou hast put all things under his feet:All sheep and oxen, yea, and the beasts of the field;The fowl of the air, and the fish of the sea, and whatsoever passeth through the paths of the seas.O LORD our Lord, how excellent is thy name in all the earth!
Papi was such a strange man (in a sense). He was definitely a product of his up-bringing and to understand him, you seriously needed to understand his youth, how and where he grew up; what the culture and conditions were like when he was growing up, etc...
Part of the problem was that he wasn't very talkative about those times. He did talk about his father, his mother, etc. I remember him talking about how hard it was for his father maintaining "La finqua" (the field) or the land that his father owned, trying to maintain it, and how hard it was for his parents as they were aging and all the siblings were finding their way to the states to find work, etc.
I guess you can get a lot of detail out of those accounts to determine some information on Papi and what he had to go through.
I know he really loved his parents - that's for sure.
I also got some more information about Papi and what he had to go through when he told me of the time when he first came to New York in the 50's how he started working at an electric factory of some sort assembling standing lamps.
And then when he decided to take a 6-month Barber training and that lead to a 40 plus year career cutting people's hair and hair styling. He never made a lot of money but he was able to always save and put aside money for when it was truly needed. His practice of saving money had on a number of occasions allowed him to respond to family emergencies like the time of the fire on Townsend Ave., and the death of his Father and sister in Puerto Rico. But also when Stevie died and ultimately for his own passing.
It was those nerve-wracking rentals of his bedrooms at the apartment that ultimately assisted with his own funeral and burial expenses.
But I always wished that Papi was more of a communicator because I always felt like I didn't truly know him. He wasn't a talker or very introspective. If he was, he wasn't out in the open. I think perhaps that because of the limits of only having a 5th grade education that this might be part of the reason... but I don't know if I totally believe that.
Our relationship was a simple one.
A simple, "What's going on" type of conversation and then we would watch some baseball or boxing, or some Spanish TV, w/ some jokes and simple comments in between, and that was pretty much it. Papi liked to laugh and smile. He could be a real wise guy too.
I guess it's just because I want more of him and I miss him, and I want to just go see him again ... for some small talk.
I pray I will see him again.
I want to see that welcoming Papi smile he used to give.
